Monday, June 29, 2015

Snowman Cake

My mother called a couple months ago....

"I want to tell you something but I don't want to make you upset," she said. 

"You know that is not the best way to start a conversation." 

There was a pause on the other end....."Jack talked to me last night."

"Oh," I said. "How come he tells you things but he never talks to me?"

"He thinks he will upset you." 

"Well he should try me." 

"He wants a snowman cake for his birthday." 

My mom has this crazy way of talking to my kids. She comes back with these off the wall conversations that I have come to accept- and appreciate

And so I thought, Well of course he does! What ten year old doesn't want a snowman cake for his birthday? Snowman cakes are delicious. That sugary, coconut frosting covering moist, yellow cake goodness? 

"So," my mom continued cautiously, "I'm going to make him a snowman cake." 

"Well yeah!" I said. "If I told you I wanted a snowman cake and you didn't make me one, I would be uuuuppppppssssettttt." 

And so.....it begins.....with a snowman cake. And I love that Mama is making him one. He is ten and Snowman Cakes, after all, are delicious. 

It is ten years. It is the eve that our lives changed forever. It's a 48 hour time span that kinda sucks. I find myself looking at the clock, thinking of ten years ago.....I was taking a shower, I was driving to the doctors, I was checking in....I was......I was

Ten years is a heck of a long time. People get married, babies are born, people leave us. 

And ten years is time for healing....I still get sad and find it necessary to reserve time for my grief. 

But I think ten years ago, when my grief was so raw, when I was outrageously angry at the universe and everything it contained......when I felt my sadness could not be contained by my own skin. 

Ten years is a heck of a long time. 

I talked to my mom today. She has all of the ingredients for the snowman cake. 

"You should take a piece of cake and put it in Jack's tree," I told her. 

Jacks tree is a tree at my mom's house that was seriously on it's last limb ten years ago. They had called an arborist  to take it out. After we lost Jack, it grew one limb of healthy growth....and then another limb, and another. It is now a big honkin' tree- Jack's tree.

"Jack's tree doesn't want cake." 

"It most certainly does want cake. Snowman cake is delicious. Why wouldn't a tree want a delicious slice of snowman cake? " 

Per Jack's Mama's insistence, Jack's tree will have some snowman cake. 

And so begins 48 hours. Tomorrow, I attend a luncheon at Children's for high dollar fundraisers. Children's, a place I didn't know ten years ago and now a place so ingrained in my soul. 

On July 1st, I will get up early, I will climb Flagstaff. I will feel my heart pumping blood and my lungs taking in oxygen and I will indeed feel a bit barfy.....that last switchback is a killer. 

But I will make it to the top feeling alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. 

Ten years ago July 1st, I did not feel alive at all. 

I drove home today and listened to a song by Wiz Khalifa....that's right....Wiz Khalifa....I hang with the hip kids....

The song always makes me weepy.....but in a good thoughtful weepy...

It's been a long day without you my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
It's been a long way from where we began
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again

Happy Ten. 

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