It has been a long, long time since I have visited this page.
I have thought about this page and what I would like to say but something kept me from saying it. And maybe I know reasons why.
I do know I have missed this page and thought about putting my words here quite often.
I trained for a half marathon this Fall. This training was significant for me. I have not run in a long event since I got married. I USED to run a lot, which is funny in itself because I am not the svelte, lean runner type. I liken myself more to a Clydesdale......I'm a trotter.
One Sunday I went for a ten mile training trot. I returned tired and sweaty and decided to take a bath. I SHOULD have taken the cleanse-your-muscles, tough as heck ice bath but I don't like ice baths. I know they are better for recovery but I didn't want to recover faster. I preferred a slow, lactic acid inducing recovery brought on by a steaming hot bubble bath and a glass of wine.
So I did just that.
When drawing my bath, I pulled out 20 different bath salts and 32 aroma therapy candles. I have bath salts in the shape of Santa Claus, hearts, stars, sea shells and the traditional circles. I smiled because I don't buy bath salts. These bath salts have been given to me by those who care- those who love me. Those who think I need to take a soak.
Which brings me to two conclusions......
1. You find me stinky- which is very accurate at times. Sometimes, during a workout I think 'what is that smell????' and I realize it's me and I'm foul and that's just awesome.
2. You think I should relax more. And I thank you. And I should. We all should. Baths with wine, Santa head bath salts and aroma therapy candles are pretty great. And you do smell great after. And I love that you have given me these lovely gifts of calm.
You are good friends. And I come to that conclusion quite often.....you're kind of amazing. And you indulge me with this blog page.
I haven't written the last three months for lack of content, on the contrary, Hubs and I have had a great summer and I am so grateful for you all who have made it great.
I struggle in my posts because so much of what we have done this summer, we could have never done in our previous life with Samantha.
Is it guilt? Is it moving forward? Is it navigating our new life? I don't know. I DO know that not an hour goes by that I don't think of her, not in a sad way, but in a way. She is just as part of my life just as the sun and the moon.
And now I try to incorporate her into our lives like I do the sun and the moon. She is there, she is constant, not always causing attention but sometimes, when she does, it is so vibrant, it causes the entire world to look up in awe.
So here we are- three months since my last post, four years into our journey, bath salts, 13.2 miles and a good life with an under-current of grief.
Where do we go from here? Absolutely no idea. But I do smell mighty pretty.