Today I meant to post about my new life at work, but I can't.
This subject is taking too much frontal lobe space and I must purge.....
Suicide is a tough topic for me because we fought tooth and nail for Samantha's life.
But I get it. I do understand that sometimes you can't see past the darkness. It makes me incredibly sad that these children felt they had no where to turn.....this is what I would say to these five kids.....
We have failed you and I'm sorry.
Life can be hard. Life can be so hard you feel like your heart is ripping out of your chest.
But it's not. Despite everything you are going through, the bullying, the hateful comments.....that heart of yours keeps beating, your lungs keep taking in air even though the wind has been knocked out of you....almost as though your body is mocking your pain.
My heart is breaking but it still keeps beating.....how horrible is that? I am holding my breath but still I breathe.
It's horrible. Sadly, there will be more times when the heart is breaking but still beating.
There will still be times when you feel isolated, alone, afraid and hopeless....but that can't be the end. There are times when life is fabulous, happy and you're on cloud 9 but that can't be the end either.
And really.....how boring would it be it life were fabulous every, single day?
Life is good, life is sad, life is gain, life is loss, life is many, many things.....80 (something) years is a long, long time
And if you leave now, when it's bad, it will always be bad....it will always be full of strife, hate and pain. But if you stay, if you can fight for who you are, if you can search and find the beauty in life....you will find it and it will find you.
No matter how different you feel.
I have always, always felt different from 'the norm'. It wasn't until my daughter came along that I embraced that difference. I had a 4 year old who couldn't walk, talk or eat.....different became the norm in our life....it still is.
And life has been much smoother since I embrace that difference.
It will get better. It will.
The world is full of people who could have left but decided to stay.....decided to fight and make some sort of change.
And they did.
As I type this my 75 year old neighbor is outside dancing to Grease with her granddaughters in her bathrobe. Seriously, it's 9:15 at night in our little HOA controlled neighborhood and I can hear her through our bedroom window.....Look at me I'm Sandra Dee just came on.
Random....completely random.......but life....
The world is full of people who love you, love you, love you...embrace that, relish in that. Hold that white flag up....send out the emergency flares and scream I need help! and let them help you because they will, they will come in droves to help and insure you are not alone.
Trust me.....from one survivor to another