Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure....

Our home health agency picked up Samantha's supplies today.

- 30 tanks of oxygen
- two feeding pumps
- one oxygen concentrator
- one IV pump
- one suction machine
- one pulse oyx machine

This is what we rented from the health agency. We still have boxes and boxes of medical supplies that we have purchased for Samantha's everyday special needs.

Dismantling our fortress of medical equipment, I felt like a General who had lost a war, who was moving her troops out, who was surrendering her gun.

It was quite surreal.

Everything was moved into the living room and I stared at the pile of medical equipment, a fourth of what we still have to sort through. I looked at my mom.

"I had no idea we had all of this," I said.

She looked at me with sad eyes, "Samantha was a sick little girl."

"She never seemed sick to me, she just seemed like Samantha."

"She was just Samantha to all of us."

I was not sad to see the pile of equipment be loaded onto the truck and carried away. I was not sad to look at the truck and think I hope we never have to see that truck again.

There is a hole in our house as big as the Grand Canyon....a hole where Lil' Miss used to be. I tend to get stuck in that hole and wonder how I will ever, ever get out.

But I will not miss that truck.


8 comments:

Deana said...

She was just Samantha to us all. A beautiful sweet lil' miss. We love her, and we love you.

Tracy Livian said...

Heather, Your writing goes straight to the soul. You can just feel every word you write. I can't even imagine how big that whole is but you have to promise to try to fill it with your writing. You are an amazing, talented, special person that has so much to share and offer to the world. Our hearts are with you and Bart. Thank you so much for sharing!

Tracy Livian said...

Heather, Your writing goes straight to the soul. You can just feel every word you write. I can't even imagine how big that whole is but you have to promise to try to fill it with your writing. You are an amazing, talented, special person that has so much to share and offer to the world. Our hearts are with you and Bart. Thank you so much for sharing!

Amanda said...

Nor should you miss that truck.

Cheryl Courtney said...

Yes, dear Samantha. And there is peace to come dear ones. I too watched the truck being loaded and wanted every thing he took to lift a tiny bit of your burden. Love will fill the canyon...We 'Love' at you ALL.

KWombles said...

((())) I only recently came across your blog as I looked for blogs to add to our directory of autism blogs (and disability related blogs), but in the time since I first discovered it, I read many of your posts, enjoyed the pictures of Samantha, and found your blog a welcome place to visit.

I am so sorry for your loss and am keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

Steffani said...

Heather:

Your writing has inspired us all. Thank you for sharing your story with us over the past years. I do hope that you continue writing and use this as a tool to help fill that hole. But always remember, you don't have to fill it alone. You have hundreds of friends and family that will help you fill that hole: one shovel, one bucket, one bikeride, one day at a time. We are and always will be there for you. Love, Steffani

Mj said...

Cheryl is right. Love will fill the canyon. The canyon will always be there, but so filled with love, it will not gape so much. Promise.
With much love,
Maryjo